Saddle Up slot hoki

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You know the sound, right? There’s a near-defeaning roar of a jet engine, a squeal as the rubber tires hit the runway, and a long drone as the plane comes to a stop. The cabin titters. The doors open. And then there’s a lot of clanging from the slot machines in the terminal.

In about 36 hours, the first blogger wheels will touch slot hoki down in Vegas for a five day extravaganza of hammer-dropping and Guinness-slurping.

But, what’s that? We’re not the only convention in town?

Cowboy-Hat.gifThat’s right, folks. The National Finals Rodeo will be in its final days.

Because we all want to fit in, I’ll offer up the cheat-sheet I’m taking with me.


1) Cowboys love it when you speak their language. With that in mind, be sure to include as many cowboy lingo phrases in your table-talk as you can. Be sure to call your cowboy opponent “Dude” as often as you can.

2) Cowboys like movies as much as anybody else. So, indulge them in a talk of the finest cowboy films. Make yourself even more likable by quoting their favorite lines. Be sure to repeat the following line as often as possible: “Excuse me while I whip this out.”

3) Memorize every one of Byron “Cowboy” Wolford’s stories and tell them as your own.

4) When heads-up with a cowboy, pause before you push all-in, and say, “Listen, Pard, wouldn’t you rather settle this with a game of real cowboy poker?”

5) Employ the folowing phrase at every opportunity: “You ride bulls? Well, shoot, Pard, I drink Red Bull. We could be bull brothers!”

6) Every time you sit down with a cowboy, make the first words out of your mouth, “I’m a fast talking, hell raising, son of a bitch. I’m a sinner and I know how to fight.” When he looks at you funny, say, “Oh, that’s ALT-country. You probably wouldn’t understand.”

7) Engage every cowboy you find in a conversation about how they get their rodeo animals to buck. Pretend you don’t understand and ask them to demonstrate on the dealer.

8) Find your PETA hat from your activist days and wear it everywhere you go.

9) When sitting at a cramped table, whisper to the cowboy next to you, “You know. I’m from Texas. You know what they say about Texas. You know, steers and queers? Well, buddy, I seem to have misplaced my horns.”

10) Every time a cowboy bets into you–every freakin’ time–you must say, “All hat, no cattle.”

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Permalink | Something To Say? (8) | Las Vegas

December 7, 2004

Sorry, South Carolina

by Otis

Allow me to offer a whole-hearted, “Well, sonofabitch” to this story that’s about to come out of South Carolina news outlets.

Rather than clog the fun of Vegas anticipation here, I’ve written up a brief summary over at my news blog, The Poker Papers.